


think about you all the time

by kihyuks



Series: bbb fest [3]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Enemies to Lovers, Exes to Lovers, Fanservice, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Idiots in Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Sharing a Bed, Trans Male Character, idolverse, it's not focused on kih being trans but it is a thing, showho are dating but its so minor its mentioned like once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23312902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihyuks/pseuds/kihyuks
Summary: kihyun and minhyuk no longer get along with each other since they broke up a few years ago and it's starting to negatively affect the group's image. management steps in and kihyun and minhyuk are reluctantly tasked with performing more fanservice. this wouldn't be an issue for kihyun except for one small problem.he's still in love with minhyuk.
Relationships: Lee Minhyuk/Yoo Kihyun
Series: bbb fest [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1646716
Comments: 14
Kudos: 85
Collections: BBBFest Debut Round: The Bittersweet Option





	think about you all the time

**Author's Note:**

> for the **clashing love languages** / **exponentially increasing animosity towards the press** / **bedsharing as self harm** squares
> 
> alternatively titled: Kihyun Has Issues
> 
> i wrote this like 2 months ago n im actually quite proud of it now?? theres a lot of dumbassery between these two n kihyuns not the Most reliable of narrators but he figures his shit out in the end

Kihyun fiddles with the ring on his finger as he walks down the hallway towards the meeting room. Management had sent a text to him in the morning requesting that he head over to the offices to have a talk with them and he’s been on edge ever since. For the past four hours he’d been trying to distract himself from what’s to come, but nothing worked and he’s been wallowing in his anxiety since the text came through.

Something about the ring on his finger grounds him, reminds him that it’s just a meeting and nothing bad will happen to him. It’s a gift from the past, one Minhyuk gave to him a long time ago, and one that he knows he shouldn’t wear anymore, not after what happened with them, but he holds onto it and he wears it anyway. His attachment to the ring and in turn his attachment to Minhyuk is no longer healthy, but Kihyun can’t seem to let go.

As the door to the meeting room comes closer and closer, Kihyun’s mind drifts back to wondering what the meeting will be about. Nothing had been mentioned in the text about it and so Kihyun’s mind can’t help but think the worst.

Kihyun stands outside the door for about a minute, trying to convince himself to just go in and working up his courage before he’s finally able to open it. When he enters, he’s met with a sight he didn’t expect to see - Minhyuk already sitting at the meeting table. Kihyun frowns as he approaches him and sits down next to him. “Do you know why we’re here?”

Minhyuk shrugs. “They didn’t tell me.”

“Do you think anyone else is coming?”

Minhyuk shakes his head. “I asked all of them if they got a text and they all said no.”

Kihyun tries not to take it personally that Minhyuk admitted to asking all of the members except him. He understands that Minhyuk doesn’t want to be around him often and he can’t say he doesn’t avoid Minhyuk at times too, but it still feels like a knife to Kihyun’s heart. 

Minhyuk doesn’t say anything else after and neither does Kihyun. He hates the silence, hates remembering how it never used to be quiet and Minhyuk would always have something to say to fill the quiet and Kihyun would always tell Minhyuk everything that’s on his mind in return. Now Minhyuk barely seems to want to speak a word to him. 

Kihyun mentally scolds himself. Dwelling on the past never does him any good, yet he can’t help but do it whenever he’s with Minhyuk. He can’t help but compare how it used to be to how it is now. The times when it was amazing and wonderful and  _ happy _ to now when it’s broken and awkward and filled with sadness.

He curses their management for ruining that for him.

The door opens and their manager, Hongsik, walks in. “Morning, boys.”

Kihyun and Minhyuk greet him back as is expected of them and then wait for what’s to come. Kihyun was sure that he’s going to get scolded for something, but Minhyuk being here too makes him question that.

He doesn’t have to spend long pondering the possibilities before Hongsik says, “We need to talk about the way you two act around each other.”

“What do you mean?” Minhyuk asks before Kihyun is able to himself.

What does he mean about the way they act? They’ve not acted any differently with each other than they have done over the years. They stay out of each other’s way and are polite and civil when it’s necessary for the cameras or the fans.

“The fans are saying you act like you hate each other and we can’t have that,” Hongsik explains. “You know how important the fans’ views of the group are to your image and popularity, so we’ve decided to have an intervention with the two of you. You need to up the fanservice between you. I don’t care if you do truly hate each other, that’s none of my business and I don’t want to know, but you need to make the fans believe you’re the best of friends. Can you do that for me?”

They both nod and agree because they can’t argue with what their management wants, and with his piece said Hongsik leaves and tells them they can go back home.

As they’re both going back to the dorms, they end up walking together, but neither of them say a word to one another. It’s awkward, so terribly awkward, that Kihyun wants to scream and ask Minhyuk to just talk to him and beg him to stop hating him for what happened, but he can’t do any of that. He can’t say anything because it would only lead to him exposing that he’s still in love with Minhyuk after all these years, even if he does his very best to pretend he’s not.

“Are you okay with doing this whole fanservice thing?” Kihyun asks after the silence starts to get to him. 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Minhyuk has an air of nonchalance about him, his hands buried deep in his pockets and he refuses to look at Kihyun when he speaks.

Kihyun hates it. But that doesn’t matter, he can deal with Minhyuk’s dislike for him just fine. “Because of, well, you know.” Kihyun doesn’t elaborate. He doesn’t need to elaborate. It’s the elephant that’s constantly in the room when they’re together. The thing that neither acknowledge or mention, they just pretend it doesn’t exist.

“That’s in the past, we don’t have to think about that. We can be civil and do some fanservice when we’re in public, can’t we? Or does it bother you too much?” The way Minhyuk speaks makes it impossible for Kihyun to tell whether he cares for him or if he just wants to be condescending.

So, Kihyun goes on the defensive, as he always does when it comes to Minhyuk. “It doesn’t bother me. Why would it?”

“Good, because it doesn’t bother me either,” Minhyuk spits. 

Kihyun says nothing more and just watches Minhyuk go when they get back to the dorm, not even bothering to say goodbye to Kihyun as he leaves.

Kihyun shuts the front door and takes off his shoes with a sigh. He hates this whole situation. He really fucking hates it.

* * *

Being squished into the back seat of the van with Minhyuk pressed against his side is not how Kihyun wanted his day to start. He’s not surprised that it happened as they usually end up sitting together in the back as they used to always do it early on in their career and the formation in the van just kind of stuck, but it doesn’t make Kihyun any happier about it. 

Kihyun’s really not feeling up to their fansign today. He loves the fans, they’re important to him and he always has an amazing time meeting them and getting to actually talk to them and know them as more than just another face in a crowd or another number in their followers, but some days he just doesn’t feel up for the social interaction and putting on a happy face. Today is one of those days. 

But that’s the job. He has to go and do these things even when he doesn’t feel like it. 

Kihyun knows he’d feel better if he could at least relax on the drive there, but with Minhyuk so close to him that’s impossible. 

“What was your meeting about?” Hyungwon asks the two of them midway through the drive. 

Kihyun’s temporarily thankful for a distraction from him just thinking about the warmth radiating from Minhyuk’s skin that’s pressed against his until his mind reminds him of the subject of the meeting. 

Dread fills Kihyun’s stomach again as he thinks about having to do fanservice with Minhyuk, especially knowing that Minhyuk loves to be all over people when he does fanservice with them. Kihyun doesn’t know how he’ll manage to handle that. He can barely even manage to speak to Minhyuk normally by now and Minhyuk doesn’t speak to him either. 

The break up really ruined them and Kihyun still hates it. He thinks every day about how management took from him what could’ve been the best thing in his life and now the man he’s still in love with can barely even stand to look at him. 

Hoseok’s voice breaks Kihyun out of his spiralling thoughts. “Kihyun? You okay?”

Kihyun hums, because how can he tell the truth about how he’s feeling? None of the members ever knew they dated. As far as they’re all aware Kihyun and Minhyuk just had an argument and stopped being friends. They kept their relationship a secret because they knew if anyone found out they’d have to break up. Not that it ended up mattering because Dispatch got ahold of it and as soon as that happened management put an end to it. 

“Anyway, yeah,” Minhyuk says once everyone decides that Kihyun is in fact just fine, “they basically just told us the fans are making comments about how we act around each other and we need to do more fanservice and stuff.”

“If they think that’s bad they should see what you’re like out of the public eye,” Changkyun jokes. 

Kihyun glares, but doesn’t say anything. It’d be pointless to, anyway, because he’s right. They clearly don’t get along and the members know that, they live with it. The guilt that Kihyun tries his best to ignore bubbles up to the surface at Changkyun’s words. He knows that his strained relationship with Minhyuk has an effect on the whole group, but Minhyuk’s never made an effort to fix it with him and so Kihyun hasn’t made an effort back either. After all, when they broke up Kihyun was the one who wanted to stay friends but Minhyuk said he needed space and Kihyun respected that, but that space just grew further and further until now. 

“Shut up, Changkyun,” Minhyuk says. “We’re not that bad.”

“You don’t even look at each other when you’re in the same room,” Changkyun retorts.

“Okay, that’s enough,” Hyunwoo warns. 

“What, you don’t think it’s weird how they went from being all over each other and the best of friends to hating each other so much they can barely be in a room together?”

“Drop it.” Hyunwoo’s voice holds no room for argument. 

“No, it’s fine, he’s right,” Minhyuk says. 

Kihyun resists the urge to groan, but just barely. Minhyuk really needs to learn to let things go and not always have the last word, but Kihyun won’t say anything. They’re not in a place where he can say anything. 

“We don’t hate each other, just for clarification,” Minhyuk continues. “Well, I don’t hate Kihyun. Maybe he does hate me.”

“As if I could ever hate you,” Kihyun says in a soft voice, reminiscent of how he used to speak to Minhyuk whenever his insecurities would come up. Then, to try and hide that, he adds, “Just because we don’t get along well anymore doesn’t mean we hate each other.”

Changkyun can’t seem to let the topic go. “But  _ why _ don’t you anymore? You used to be so close?”

“Changkyun,” Hyunwoo cautions once again. 

“Management happened,” Minhyuk spits. His voice holds a tone of finality and he doesn’t elaborate further. 

It’s clear that Minhyuk’s upset now. He’s staring out of the window, jaw clenched, and so Changkyun finally drops the subject. No one else asks anything either and the van dissolves back into individual conversations. 

Everything in Kihyun wants to comfort Minhyuk, wants to show him affection and make him feel better, but they don’t do that anymore. 

So, Kihyun sits there and ignores the urge and waits for the van to pull up to the fansign. 

* * *

All Kihyun wants to do is curl up into a ball in his bed and not have to speak to anyone again. Especially Minhyuk.

For the actual fan meeting part of the fansign it hadn’t gone too bad. He’d felt better after starting to talk to some of the fans and hear what they had to say despite his terrible mood in the van on the way here, but it’s once they got to the talking and messing around on stage part that things have started to go wrong.

Almost as soon as Hyungwon had started talking to the fans about who knows what (Kihyun had been a bit too distracted to listen to what his friend had to say) Minhyuk started to cling to Kihyun. At first, he’d just stood close to Kihyun, thrown an arm over his shoulder, simple things. Things Kihyun could deal with.

But now? Minhyuk’s back hugging Kihyun, his arms tightly wound around Kihyun’s waist, and Kihyun’s hyper aware of everywhere they’re touching. 

“Stop being so tense. Pretend you’re enjoying it,” Minhyuk whispers into Kihyun’s ear. 

An involuntary shiver runs down Kihyun’s spine as Minhyuk’s breath tickles his ear. As soon as it happens, Kihyun wants to scream and run away, because Minhyuk shouldn’t affect him like this, not when he’s scolding Kihyun for being stiff and not wanting to be close to Minhyuk. The problem isn’t that he hates Minhyuk being close to him and touching him, it’s that he likes it  _ too _ much. 

But, the fans are watching, and Kihyun doesn’t have time for any of this, so he forces himself to relax back into Minhyuk and puts his hands over Minhyuk’s. “Better?” he whispers into Minhyuk’s ear.

Minhyuk lets out a shaky breath before saying, “Yeah, good, fine.”

This makes Kihyun raise an eyebrow, because maybe, just maybe, Minhyuk’s as affected by Kihyun as Kihyun is by him. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but now that the thought has crossed Kihyun’s mind he feels like he has to test it.

Kihyun leans back and whispers, “Changkyun’s watching us.”

“Everyone’s watching us.”

“Kiss me,” Kihyun dares. “See what they think.”

Minhyuk’s arms loosen and he makes to take a step back, but Kihyun pulls him back forward and tuts. “Not like that. On the cheek. Or are you too afraid?” he challenges, and he knows it’ll work. 

So, Minhyuk does as he’s told and presses a soft, lingering kiss to Kihyun’s cheek.

Kihyun finds himself turning around in Minhyuk’s arms and leaning close to him. Only a few more centimetres and he could kiss him. But the fans are watching. All eyes are on them right now. The temptation to drag Minhyuk away from the stage and kiss him like his life depends on it until he’s completely breathless is strong, but sadly he can’t do that.

Then, before Kihyun even registers it, Minhyuk pats Kihyun’s cheek twice and is gone to the other side of the stage to go bother Jooheon.

Kihyun swallows down his embarrassment at being rejected like that and reminds himself that they’re on stage in front of their fans and he needs to act professional. Minhyuk’s just performing the fanservice he was asked to, that’s all. Kihyun’s the one that got too caught up in his feelings and the past and thought that it could be something more than it is. He needs to stop it. 

Through the rest of the fansign, Kihyun barely speaks any more. He just smiles and laughs in all the right places, but his mind is miles away.

* * *

After the fansign and when Kihyun is heading back to the dressing rooms from the toilet he gets cornered by Hyungwon.

“Care to explain what that was about on stage?”

Kihyun’s shoulders raise and he goes on the defensive. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, really?” Hyungwon says sarcastically. “Because to me and everyone else in that room it was very clear that that was not just fanservice.”

“We got asked by the management to do more fanservice like we told you. That’s what we were doing,” Kihyun defends. He doesn’t know why Hyungwon’s so caught up about this. It was nothing more than them doing what they were told.

“I know, Kihyun. I’ve always known.” Those few words are enough for Kihyun’s stomach to sink to the floor. “So, whatever it is that’s going on, keep it in the dorms and not in front of the fans.”

“Nothing’s going on and it never will again. You don’t have to worry about that.” Kihyun knows he’s being rude, but he can’t help it. It’s a painful reminder that Minhyuk will never love Kihyun the way he once did, even if Hyungwon doesn’t intend it to be.

Hyungwon scoffs. “Do you think I’m jealous or something?”

“No, why would I think that?”

“You seem pissed at me for warning you to be careful in public with how you act around Minhyuk. You don’t want the press speculating again, do you?”

And now Kihyun is seething. His blood starts to boil. “How did you know about that?”

“Minhyuk told me after it happened so don’t get mad at me,” Hyungwon replies, attempting to calm Kihyun down. “None of the others know and I know neither of you want them to, but they’re getting suspicious and so are the fans. You can’t go from hating each other one minute to being seconds away from undressing each other on stage the next. That gets people talking.”

Kihyun laughs self-deprecatingly. “I wish I could hate him. Then it’d be a whole lot easier.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widen. “You don’t still—”

“Yeah, I do.” Kihyun smiles sadly. “Don’t tell him, though. He doesn’t need to know that I’m still hung up on what ended years ago.”

“It doesn’t have to be this way, you know? You can be friends. You don’t always have to have this weird tension between you.”

“I tried. He’s the one that wants nothing to do with me.”

Hyungwon opens his mouth to reply, but is cut off by a staff member telling them the van leaves in five minutes. They both nod and thank her and start walking down the hall towards the door leading to where their van is parked outside.

Before Kihyun opens the door, Hyungwon stops him. “Stop hating yourself for not hating him. You don’t deserve it.”

Kihyun nods and promises himself to remember Hyungwon’s words in the future. 

* * *

They don’t get back to the dorms after the fansign exceptionally late, but Kihyun heads straight to bed after saying goodnight to the others as soon as they get back. He’s just completely exhausted and needs to rest in bed for a while, even if he doesn’t get to sleep right away. 

Instead of even attempting to get to sleep, Kihyun had ended up scrolling through recent articles on as many different news sites as he could find. By his fifth site, he’s starting to get that uncomfortable, anxious feeling in his stomach. He’s spotted so many articles about himself on the sites. Nothing bad, just general articles mentioning him, but it doesn’t feel good.

Not only does Kihyun hate the press for being the reason he and Minhyuk were forced to break up, but there’s something he doesn’t want them, or anyone, to find out, and the more articles he sees about himself, the closer he feels they’re getting until eventually finding out. 

The only people who know are Kihyun’s family, the members and the people in management who  _ needed _ to know. Those are the only people Kihyun’s ever told that he’s trans.

It’s something he prefers to not think about, prefers to ignore, but it’s also a part of him that he can’t change. He rarely mentions it to anyone, only vaguely mentioned it to the members and asked them not to bring it up because he doesn’t enjoy talking about it and they’ve respected that over the years and not asked him any questions, even though he can tell they want to sometimes.

Well, that applies to all of them except Minhyuk.

Back when they were dating, and even before when they were just best friends, Kihyun would tell Minhyuk every detail, every complaint and he trusted him with everything. Not that he doesn’t still trust Minhyuk, but he lost that confidant. 

Even though Minhyuk hates him now, he still does those small things that make Kihyun feel more comfortable. Just small things, like when they’re in a rush and need to share a shower to be ready on time, Minhyuk always offers to share with Kihyun, except when they go into the bathroom he turns his back and allows Kihyun to shower on his own and then they switch. It’s something Kihyun had mentioned only once a long time ago how he didn’t feel comfortable with sharing a shower and Minhyuk had remembered that and still does what he can to help Kihyun avoid that situation.

Kihyun’s seen the articles in the press and the talks among fans about why there’s no childhood photos of Kihyun to be seen. He knows people think it’s strange and unusual, there’s always photos of other idols spread everywhere, but there’s none of Kihyun. He made sure of it, had help from the company to make sure none of them ever got out, and so far it’s worked. But people talk and they speculate and Kihyun worries that every day they get closer and closer to uncovering the truth. 

Kihyun’s mind is brought out of its panic when his door slowly creaks open and a body slips through before the door shuts again. Although the light is off and it’s hard to see in the room, Kihyun already knows who it is.

Carefully, Minhyuk slips into the bed beside Kihyun. He doesn’t speak a word, barely even makes a sound, and he doesn’t move close enough to touch Kihyun. The distance feels painful, deliberate, but Kihyun doesn’t know what he’d do if it wasn’t there.

There’s an awkward, stretched out silence where neither of them speak, move, or even breathe. 

This isn’t the first time this has happened. It’s been months since the last time Minhyuk snuck into Kihyun’s bed and Kihyun had convinced himself it wouldn’t happen again. Minhyuk’s never told him why he does it, refuses to explain, and Kihyun knows that if he asks again he still won’t get an explanation, but he does it anyway. 

“Why are you here, Min?” he whispers, breaking the uncomfortable silence that’s settled over the room. 

“I don’t know,” Minhyuk replies, as he always replies. “Go to sleep.”

Kihyun won’t sleep and Minhyuk knows that. He never sleeps well now when Minhyuk’s next to him. He used to love when Minhyuk would sneak into his room and they’d spend the night together, but now it’s just like torture to him. He lies there awake all night caught up in his own thoughts prompted by Minhyuk sleeping beside him.

So, as Kihyun listens to Minhyuk’s breathing even out as he drifts off to sleep, he prepares himself for a long night ahead stuck with nothing but his own mind for company.

* * *

“Someone’s in a mood today,” Changkyun says as he sits down at their table, coffee in hand. He raises an eyebrow at Kihyun as if to taunt him, but Kihyun refuses to give in to the bait.

“I slept badly,” Kihyun says by way of explanation. They never sleep well anyway, not enough hours in their schedule to get a decent night’s sleep, but Kihyun still says it anyway like that’s the reason for his terrible mood. The truth is, it’s not because he slept badly that he’s in such a bad mood, it’s because he’d woken up (after finally getting to sleep hours after Minhyuk entered his room) to a cold, empty bed. He doesn’t even know why it angered him so much to know that Minhyuk up and left him way before he even woke up, but it does. 

It’s like he’s nothing to Minhyuk. Just there when it’s convenient for Minhyuk, there to be used until Minhyuk decides he has no more use and casts him aside like a piece of rubbish he never wanted in the first place.

Or maybe, just maybe, Kihyun misses Minhyuk and he just wants to wake up in the mornings to Minhyuk sleeping soundly beside him again like he used to. To wake up earlier than they need to so they can share intimate moments together just the two of them. He misses it. He misses it so  _ much _ . 

Kihyun craves Minhyuk’s love, his attention, his touch. He craves it all like the air that he breathes, and without it it feels like he’s drowning. Stuck just below the surface, the sweet air  _ right there _ in front of him, but no matter how hard he kicks and tries to push himself through the surface, he just can’t reach it. Like it’s just out of reach. 

That’s how it feels to see Minhyuk every day.

“We’re all tired,” Hyungwon says, yawning to emphasise his point, “but we’re not snapping at everyone.”

“I’m not snapping,” Kihyun argues. It’s a lie and he knows it. He’s been short with the members all morning, being unnecessarily rude to them for no reason, and Kihyun does feel guilty about it, but he can’t find it in himself to stop. 

He’s met with five unamused stares.

Kihyun sinks back into his seat and chews on his toast. It’s burnt because someone had changed the timer on the toaster so it lasts longer than it needs to, and that had been the start of Kihyun taking his anger out on the members. From there, it had only continued for the rest of the short time they’ve been together eating breakfast.

There’s an empty seat at the table. Minhyuk’s seat. Kihyun has no idea where Minhyuk is, he obviously hasn’t seen him all morning and he’s not going to ask if anyone else knows because he can’t let them think he actually  _ cares _ about Minhyuk. (He does. He cares so much that it hurts.) But the curiosity eats away at him and he finds himself glancing at the door every minute or so, waiting for Minhyuk to walk in.

“Waiting for something?” Changkyun asks, looking directly at Kihyun.

So, Kihyun’s glances hadn’t been the most subtle like he thought, but he has to play it off. “Wondering where Minhyuk is because it’s weird to have not seen him all morning.” 

Okay, so, playing it off isn’t as easy as it seems, apparently. 

“What is even up with you two?” 

Kihyun glares at Changkyun, mentally begging him to just shut his mouth and stop asking. But it’s Changkyun, so of course he doesn’t. He pushes because he knows he can. 

“You act like you hate him but like you’re also in love with him.”

Kihyun’s fist slams down on the table before he even registers he’s done it. 

Shocked faces surround him and a deathly silence fills the room.

Kihyun doesn’t know what to do or say, but it seems like neither do the others. An apology would be a good start, that Kihyun knows, but he can’t find the words that feel appropriate.

The door to the kitchen swings open and Minhyuk comes strolling in. He pauses just in the doorway and frowns with a tilted head as he notes the silence in the room and the look on everyone’s faces. “Did someone just die in here? What’s with the mood?”

“I said something dumb and pissed Kihyun off,” Changkyun says. He doesn’t sound mad or upset, he just sounds amused more than anything. “Sorry, Kihyun.”

“It’s fine. I shouldn’t have overreacted. I’m sorry too.”

Minhyuk takes a seat at the table with them and then groans. “I forgot to get a coffee. Kihyun, get me one?”

Someone sucks in a breath, Kihyun can’t tell who, and he knows everyone’s waiting for him to snap. But, Kihyun can’t resist doing something,  _ anything  _ to please the man he loves. So, with no arguments, Kihyun stands from his own seat. “Yeah, sure.”

The shock is clear on everyone’s faces, even Minhyuk’s, like he only asked as a joke and not because he expected Kihyun to actually do it. Kihyun feels silly for agreeing now, but he can’t take it back now. 

There’s coffee still left in the pot so he pours a mug for Minhyuk. It’s a quick task, taking him all of thirty seconds, and then he’s back to the table placing the mug in front of Minhyuk and sitting back down in his seat.

“Thank you, Kihyunnie.” The blinding smile on Minhyuk’s face makes it worth it to have done something he knows the others are going to question.

“Hey, Kihyun,” Changkyun says and Kihyun tears his eyes away from Minhyuk to look over at him. “Can you make me a coffee, too?”

“No. Do it yourself.”

Changkyun splutters and whines, but it at least it gets everyone back into talking and laughing like normal instead of focusing on Kihyun’s unusual actions.

Across the table, Kihyun spies Hyungwon give him a knowing look and a small smile.

Kihyun smiles back as best he can. It might not be easy, it’ll never be easy, but he’s glad that at least he has one person who understands even just slightly what he’s going through. 

* * *

Days pass. Then days turn to weeks and they’re already at the time for their fancon. As time has gone on, fanservice with Minhyuk hasn’t got any more comfortable for Kihyun, but it has got easier. It’s a regular occurrence now and Kihyun’s slowly getting used to it. He still hates having to do it, though. Resents their management for making them perform fake affection just for the sake of the fans. Fake on Minhyuk’s part, anyway, because any affection Kihyun gives to Minhyuk all comes from a place of love.

A place of love and anger, sadly. Because as much as Kihyun loves Minhyuk, he just finds himself angry at him. Not really angry at Minhyuk, angry at the situation they’ve ended up in, but it manifests in a way that he feels it towards Minhyuk. 

And Kihyun hates himself for it. He hates that he’s angry at Minhyuk over something that isn’t even his fault. He faced the same as Kihyun did, went through the same struggle, had his heart broken the way that Kihyun did.

But somehow it seems like Minhyuk had no issues getting over Kihyun while Kihyun is still in love with Minhyuk. And that’s why Kihyun can’t let go of his anger, even if it’s undeserved.

He’s trying to make more of an effort to be kinder to Minhyuk though. Treat him well like he deserves. There’s not much he can do when they’re barely even talking to one another, but Kihyun’s trying harder to be kinder, not letting all that resentment and anger influence his actions. 

But a day of trying to be a less angry person has exhausted Kihyun, especially on top of having to do their first day of fancon. He feels completely wiped out like he could fall asleep any moment, but his brain is whirring and thinking and even though he’s just on the verge of getting the sleep he so desperately needs, he just can’t manage it.

Kihyun sighs and rolls over in his bed. Maybe adjusting his position will help him to sleep.

He shuts his eyes and tries to rid his mind of any thoughts.

But it doesn’t work. He’s still awake and overthinking.

The door opens and closes quietly just after and Kihyun holds back a groan. He’s facing the wall so he doesn’t see Minhyuk slip into the bed, but he feels the mattress dip and the movement of the duvet as Minhyuk makes himself comfortable.

As usual, Minhyuk doesn’t say a word, doesn’t acknowledge that he’s sneaking into his ex boyfriend’s bed in the middle of the night, and he doesn’t touch Kihyun.

And Kihyun fucking hates it.

He waits it out to see if this time will be any different, if for once Minhyuk’s going to explain his thought process when he does these outrageous things that just leave Kihyun feeling confused and lost.

But he doesn’t. 

“If you’re going to sneak in here,” Kihyun says, still facing the wall rather than Minhyuk, “the least you can do is touch me.”

“You don’t like me touching you,” comes Minhyuk’s reply. His voice is raspy and sleep-laced.

Kihyun doesn’t agree with that, but he doesn’t want to reveal his true feelings to Minhyuk. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s only uncomfortable with Minhyuk touching him to protect himself. “I don’t care, Min. I don’t care right now. If you’re going to come into my bed and never give me an explanation, the least you can do is just do what I ask. And what I’m asking for right now is for you to fucking touch me and stop leaving this gap between us.”

When Minhyuk doesn’t move nor respond, Kihyun panics and thinks he’s really fucked up now. He wants to take back his words, but he can’t do that.

Thankfully, only a few seconds later, Minhyuk finally moves. He shuffles closer on the bed until he’s right behind Kihyun. Then, cautiously, his hand slips around Kihyun’s waist. His hand settles on Kihyun’s stomach, his fingers splayed out. Then, he pulls himself closer so the whole front of his body is pressed closely against Kihyun’s back.

Kihyun sighs. It’s not a particularly happy sigh, but not a sad one either. It’s just a sigh.

“Is this okay?” Minhyuk whispers.

“Yeah, I’m good. Are you?”

“More than good.”

* * *

Kihyun finds that he can’t stop smiling through fancon day two. It’s not like anything particularly different is happening from the previous day, they’re performing songs, playing games and generally just messing around on stage like the fans enjoy seeing them do, but he’s just in such a good mood today.

He thinks partially it could be to do with the fact that he woke up with Minhyuk still cuddled up to him rather than to an empty bed and they’d even managed to talk for a little bit upon waking up. Not about anything deep, just work related, but it’s more than they’ve been able to have a civil conversation in years, so Kihyun’s happy about it. He also slept better than he has done in a while when he was in Minhyuk’s arms, which definitely helps improve his mood.

His good mood is quickly ruined when the members decide during a talking segment that making fun of Kihyun’s height is the funniest thing in the world.

“He’s so short sometimes I just don’t notice he’s in the room,” Hyungwon jokes. He acts out like he’s looking around and can’t see Kihyun.

“Completely tiny. Basically just kid height,” Changkyun adds with a grin, despite the fact he’s the same height as Kihyun.

Kihyun’s seething and he feels ready to burst and yell at them to stop, but he holds back. He knows they’re just joking, even if he’s said time and time again he hates height jokes, they don’t realise how hurtful and dysphoria-inducing it is to him. It’s his own fault, really, for refusing to actually tell the members why certain things bother him the way they do, but Kihyun’s learnt the hard way that the best thing to do is to just pretend to fit in, even if that means ignoring his identity, which he holds important to him, for the sake of pretending to be ‘just another cis guy’. 

“I’m going to put you in my pocket,” Hoseok teases, approaching Kihyun and reaching out to pinch his cheeks. 

Kihyun flinches away, and a flash of hurt crosses Hoseok’s face, so he quickly amends it by reaching out and pinching Hoseok’s cheeks instead. 

Hoseok smiles and Kihyun feels relief flood through him. As angry as the jokes make him, the members are harmless, especially Hoseok, and he doesn’t want to see any of them upset because he overreacts to a joke. 

“Small Kihyunnie should be his new nickname,” Jooheon says with a grin. 

It just never ends, it seems. Kihyun wants to say something, wants to beg them to stop, but thousands of eyes are on him right now so he just has to play it off and pretend that he’s not affected when he is. 

“Okay, guys, that’s enough,” Minhyuk speaks up suddenly. “Kihyun’s tall and you’re all just being mean.” He says it in a joking manner and all the members laugh in response and say they won’t do it again, but Kihyun knows. 

He knows Minhyuk did that for him because years and years ago Kihyun told him how the height jokes really hurt him and made him dysphoric. He didn’t expect Minhyuk to remember, let alone care enough to stop the members from making the jokes, but Minhyuk’s full of surprises it seems. 

Kihyun’s heart clenches when he sees Minhyuk subtly smile at him. “Thank you,” he mouths. 

Minhyuk gestures for him to come over, so Kihyun does. When Kihyun’s close enough, Minhyuk throws an arm around his shoulders and pulls him close. 

Kihyun would usually resist, tense up, but he doesn’t. He just lets himself fit into the space at Minhyuk’s side and allows the comforting feeling to wash over him. 

* * *

Minhyuk’s sitting in the corner of the dressing room alone on his phone and Kihyun debates whether to approach him. He wants to properly thank Minhyuk for helping him out while they were on stage, but the whole group is in the room and Kihyun knows they’re going to question why Kihyun would voluntarily talk to Minhyuk. 

But fuck it. Minhyuk did something nice for him, something he didn’t have to do, and Kihyun wants to show his appreciation. 

When Kihyun’s a few steps away from Minhyuk he looks up from his phone and tilts his head to the side. “You okay?”

“Mm, just wanted to talk to you.” Kihyun takes a seat in the chair opposite Minhyuk and ignores the stares he can feel burning into the back of his head. “Thank you for getting them to shut up about my height earlier. You didn’t have to do that.”

“You’d do the same for me if they were making fun of one of my insecurities,” Minhyuk points out. “It’s stupid, anyway. You’re tall.”

“Not that tall,” Kihyun mutters sadly. 

“You’re the same height as Changkyun. And regardless, you’re the perfect height for you. Don’t worry about what they’re saying, okay?”

Minhyuk speaks in such a soft, loving voice that Kihyun feels like he could cry. In this very moment, Kihyun feels all of the love from Minhyuk that he once did. 

But that’s wishful thinking. It’s dangerous hope and Kihyun won’t let himself enter that territory. Minhyuk simply tolerates him, he doesn’t love him like he used to. Kihyun needs to remember that. 

“Why do you still wear that?” Minhyuk asks suddenly. 

Kihyun looks up at him with a frown. “What?”

Minhyuk points to where Kihyun’s playing with the ring on his finger. He didn’t even register that he was doing it, it’s an automatic comforting action that he finds himself doing. 

“Oh, that.”

“Yeah.”

“Um,” Kihyun says intelligently. How does he explain his thought process to Minhyuk without revealing that he’s still in love with Minhyuk? He can’t, really, without at least hinting at it, but if anyone deserves the truth, it’s Minhyuk. “I just— It makes me feel better. I don’t know. It reminds me of better times, you know?”

Minhyuk’s eyes widen like he’s shocked by Kihyun’s words and for a moment Kihyun regrets saying anything, but then the relief of finally getting it off his chest sinks in. 

Slowly, Minhyuk pulls his collar forward and reaches a hand down his shirt to then pull out a necklace. It’s a simple silver chain with a tiny diamond on it, but Kihyun would recognise that necklace anywhere, because it’s the birthday present he gave to Minhyuk while they were together. 

“I guess neither of us can let go, huh?”

“I guess not.”

* * *

Kihyun wakes up to an arm wound tightly around his waist. He doesn’t have to even look to know who it is, because who else would it be other than Minhyuk, but something about this particular time just angers Kihyun. Maybe it’s that Minhyuk managed to sneak in while Kihyun was already asleep and didn’t even wake him to warn him (not that Kihyun thinks Minhyuk would do that, anyway) or maybe it’s that it keeps happening more and more frequently and Kihyun still hasn’t been given an explanation that he so desperately wants. He doesn’t know. All he knows is that he’s really damn pissed off now.

Kihyun shoves the arm off of him and says, “Wake up, Min.”

Minhyuk groans in his sleep and rolls over, so Kihyun pokes his arm over and over again until Minhyuk finally wakes up properly.

Kihyun’s met with a venom-filled glare. “Why the fuck did you wake me up like that?”

“Oh, we’re starting like this, are we?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Like you didn’t sneak in here when I was asleep like a creep and then get pissed with me for waking you up.”

Understanding dawns on Minhyuk’s face. “Okay, I see. You’re looking for a fight and I don’t want one, so I’m going.” He tries to leave the bed, but Kihyun grabs his wrist and pulls him back. “Let go,” Minhyuk spits.

“No,” Kihyun snaps back. “Stay here and talk.”

“I don’t want to talk to you when you’re like this.”

Everything Minhyuk comes out with just angers Kihyun further. “Well when are we going to talk then, huh? Because I can’t think of a better time than now.”

Minhyuk sighs and shakes his head, but doesn’t give a verbal reply. 

“We’re talking.” Kihyun’s voice holds no room for argument.

Minhyuk relents and sits back down on the bed, no longer trying to get away from Kihyun, but he doesn’t look happy about it. “What are we talking about, then?”

“Why do you sneak into my bed?” Kihyun asks directly. He has hundreds of questions he wants to ask Minhyuk, but this is the one that’s weighing on his mind most frequently. Part of him is afraid for what the answer might be, but he needs to know. Minhyuk’s been doing it on and off for  _ years _ , refusing to explain why to Kihyun even though he’s asked time and time again, and he’s sick of it. 

Minhyuk laughs bitterly and runs a hand through his hair. “You won’t believe me.”

“Try me.”

Minhyuk levels Kihyun with a stare, so he stares back, until Minhyuk finally sighs and admits, “I sleep better with you next to me. I never sleep well on my own.”

Kihyun scoffs. What a load of bullshit. 

“See!” Minhyuk practically growls, his voice raised. “I said you wouldn’t believe me.”

“Why would you sleep better next to me when you hate me?”

“For fucks sake, Kihyun, I don’t hate you and I never have.” Kihyun doesn’t think he’s ever heard Minhyuk sound so angry before, maybe only once after management told them they had to break up and he yelled and screamed at them that it was unfair. Kihyun had had to calm him down later, run his fingers through his hair and whisper reassurances into his ear for what felt like hours before Minhyuk finally was able to stop crying. That was the moment they shared their last ever kiss, and Kihyun looks back on it with both pain and fondness. 

“You act like you hate me.”

“Have you ever considered that we show love in different ways? Have you ever thought that maybe it’s not all about you? I show love through physical touch, which you should know, but you don’t let me touch you anymore. Just because I don’t show it in the way you want doesn’t mean it’s not there.” Minhyuk’s clearly still angry, but his voice sounds mostly sad now.

Love? Who said anything about love? Kihyun frowns as he tries to figure out what Minhyuk’s talking about. “I said you hate me. I said nothing about love.”

“You’re so dense sometimes.” Minhyuk laughs self-deprecatingly. “I’m still in love with you, you fucking idiot.”

No way. There’s absolutely no way. Kihyun feels his eyes widen as he stares at Minhyuk. His mouth hangs open slightly. He just can’t believe it. All this time? All along Minhyuk’s loved him the same way he loves Minhyuk?

But no, it can’t be. Kihyun wouldn’t be that lucky. He still thinks of Minhyuk as his soulmate, but he got lucky the first time that Minhyuk loved him back. He can’t imagine Minhyuk still loving him after all these years. Not when Minhyuk could have anyone, absolutely anyone he wants. 

He’s the perfect man that Kihyun isn’t.

And regardless, management broke them up. Even if they still love each other, nothing could ever happen again. They’ve been banned from dating.

So, Kihyun, with all his insecurities and self-sabotaging tendencies, says, “No, you don’t.”

Fire burns in Minhyuk’s eyes. “Fuck you,” he spits. “You never believe anything I say. I can’t believe you’d really deny me loving you— Actually, you know what, I  _ can _ believe it.”

Kihyun doesn’t know what to say. He knows he’s fucked up. He knew it was the wrong thing to say before he even said it, yet he chose to say it anyway.

“Really? Nothing?” Minhyuk taunts. “Fine.” Minhyuk storms out of the room and slams the door behind him as he goes. It bangs loudly and probably echoes through the whole dorm, no doubt waking the other members up from their sleep.

Kihyun stares at the door long after Minhyuk leaves. He just sits and stares and thinks about how he ruins everything good that ever happens to him. He could’ve just let himself believe Minhyuk, let himself have something good for once, but he didn’t. He chose to call Minhyuk a liar and ruin any potential chances they could have for trying again.

He had the best thing that ever happened to him back in his grasp, and instead he chose to let it go.

Kihyun tears his eyes away from his door and lies back in his bed. As soon as his head hits the soft pillow the tears start falling. 

He needs to get up and get ready. They have dance practice today. But Kihyun doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to move or leave his bed. He doesn’t want to face Minhyuk after what happened.

Kihyun manages to muster enough energy to send off a quick text to Hyunwoo to tell him he’s sick and won’t make it to dance practice and to let anyone else know. Then, he curls himself up as small as possible and sobs. He mourns the loss of Minhyuk’s love once again, much like he did back when they had to break up.

And after Kihyun cries and sobs and exhausts himself, when he’s right on the verge of falling asleep, he realises he never told Minhyuk that he loves him too.

* * *

Muffled talking outside of Kihyun’s door tells him that the members are finally home from dance practice. Although he can’t make out the words that are being spoken, it sounds like they’re arguing about something, and he can only assume they’re arguing about who’s going to come into his room and ask him about his blatant lie about being sick.

He’s not sick, it’s quite obvious that he’s not, but he also hasn’t left his bed all day other than when he needed to use the bathroom or grab some snacks to eat. 

A knock on the door tells Kihyun he was right about what they were talking about.

“Come in,” he calls and hopes that whoever knocked is not Minhyuk.

Hyungwon walks in and Kihyun automatically groans in response. “Wow, that happy to see me, huh?” Hyungwon jokes.

“I was hoping it’d be someone who doesn’t know how truly pathetic I am so I can at least  _ pretend _ that I’m sick.”

Hyungwon smiles sadly as he takes a seat on the end of Kihyun’s bed. “Okay, first off, you need a shower.”

Kihyun scowls. Hyungwon sure knows how to put things nicely.

“Secondly, you’re hardly pathetic for still loving someone,” Hyungwon reassures, patting the bed where he assumes Kihyun’s leg is but completely missing which at least manages to make Kihyun laugh. “But I do want to know what happened and why you’re hiding in here.”

“I’m a dick. That’s what happened,” Kihyun says with a sigh.

Hyungwon rolls his eyes. “You have to give me more than just that.”

Kihyun debates how much to tell Hyungwon. He doesn’t want to tell him things that are clearly only meant for Kihyun to hear, but this is Hyungwon, a best friend to both of them, and Kihyun has no idea how much he’s already aware of. So, he decides to ask. “How much has Minhyuk told you about us?”

“Everything,” Hyungwon replies. “Including things I never wanted to know.”

Kihyun blushes and tries not to think about what that could involve. “So, he told you he’s still in love with me?”

Hyungwon’s eyes widen a fraction. “He  _ told _ you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then why am I in here consoling you? Isn’t this what you both wanted?” Hyungwon frowns so hard it looks like it hurts. Then, understanding dawns on his face. “You didn’t tell him, did you?”

“Like I said,” Kihyun says with a fake smile plastered on his face, “I’m a dick.”

“Yeah, you are,” Hyungwon agrees.

Kihyun opens his mouth to argue then shuts it again and shakes his head. He knows Hyungwon’s only trying to wind him up and he won’t give into it this time.

“Just tell him. Stop with this ridiculous fake hatred you both have for each other as a coping mechanism because it’s clearly just hurting the both of you and it’s not easy on the members to see you two hurting while they have no idea what’s going on. Because despite how well you both think you’re hiding it, they caught on a long time ago. When neither you or Minhyuk are around I hear them talking about how concerned they are about both of you but don’t know what to do about it because they’re all in the dark about what happened.” Hyungwon holds a hand up to stop Kihyun when he goes to speak. “Let me finish?”

Kihyun nods and shuts his mouth tight to wait for Hyungwon to finish talking.

“I know it’s not your fault what happened, nor is it Minhyuk’s, and I know why neither of you wanted to tell anyone. Trust me, I understand all that. But you’ve been suffering for  _ years _ because of this and you have the chance to finally stop that and be happy. Don’t you want that?”

Of course Kihyun wants that. There’s nothing he wants more. But there’s more to it than just what he wants. “Management will force us to break up again,” Kihyun says.

“Fuck what management thinks. They’ve said nothing about Hyunwoo and Hoseok, so they can’t say anything about you and Minhyuk, either.”

He’s got a point, but still. Kihyun doesn’t know if he deserves the happiness from being with Minhyuk after the way he’s treated him. “I don’t deserve him.”

Hyungwon sighs deeply. “I hate both of you.”

Kihyun’s eyebrows scrunch together. “Why?”

“You both say the same stuff about not deserving each other. Just be happy together, it’s what you both want.”

Kihyun mulls over Hyungwon’s words. He knows he’s right, and deep down he wants nothing more than to be with Minhyuk, he’s loved him for years, after all, but the guilt and insecurities just eat away at him and prevent him from going after what he wants. 

A knock on the door has both Hyungwon and Kihyun’s heads turning to it with confusion. “Come in,” Kihyun calls.

Through the door enters the last person Kihyun expected to see, Minhyuk. He shuffles into the room and only briefly looks up at Kihyun before he looks back down to the floor with his head hung.

“Right, well I guess it’s time for me to go,” Hyungwon announces standing up from the bed and making his way towards the door.

“Thank you, Hyungwon. Really,” Kihyun says as Hyungwon leaves.

Once he’s gone an uncomfortable silence settles over the room. Kihyun knows he needs to apologise or at least say  _ something _ , but he just can’t bring himself to. He doesn’t know why Minhyuk’s even come into his room, anyway. 

The silence stretches on with Minhyuk standing by the door and resolutely refusing to look at Kihyun for a long while. Until finally Minhyuk looks up and says, “I’m sorry.”

“What?” is Kihyun’s instant reaction. “Why are you sorry? It’s me who should be sorry. I was such a dick to you.”

“I just— I don’t know. I’m just sorry.”

“You don’t need to be. Now come here.” Kihyun pats the bed next to him. He doesn’t really know how he should act around Minhyuk now, it’s an unusual situation they’ve found themselves in, but he knows Minhyuk appreciates physical touch and quite honestly Kihyun just really could do with a hug. 

Minhyuk climbs into the bed next to Kihyun and shuts off the lamp. Without words, the two arrange themselves until they’re both comfortable. Minhyuk’s lying on his back and Kihyun’s resting his head on his chest. It comforts Kihyun to be able to hear Minhyuk’s heartbeat.

“Goodnight, Kihyun,” Minhyuk says, already sounding sleepy.

Kihyun doesn’t reply right away. He waits and he waits until he’s sure that Minhyuk’s fallen asleep and then into the silent, still room he whispers, “Goodnight, Minhyuk. I love you.”

* * *

Kihyun swallows down the bottle of water as quickly as possible and then wipes off his mouth with the back of his hand. He’s still panting, as are the other members, but he feels better after hydrating himself a bit. 

Dance practice is just so  _ exhausting _ . Kihyun enjoys his job and everything that comes with it, but it just feels like dance practice is never ending at the moment. They finally do one performance and think maybe they can have a bit of a rest, but then another performance is right around the corner and so they can’t. It’s non stop and Kihyun really just wants to get some decent sleep.

They’ve got about thirty minutes for a break after being at it for hours and hours which Kihyun is going to make the most of. He doesn’t plan to move from his spot on the floor until it’s absolutely necessary. 

He lasts about three minutes of just sitting there listening to the others chat about random things before he realises that he’s bored. So, he drags himself up from his spot, against his body’s protests, to get his phone out of his bag on the other side of the room.

After he retrieves it, he returns to his original spot and sits down with a groan. It feels like every muscle in his body has been overworked and he’s more than ready to just lie down in bed for a bit, but they’ve still got more hours of dancing ahead of them yet. 

As he often does, Kihyun decides to scroll through news sites to see what’s being said. Despite how much he dislikes reporters (and especially Dispatch since they played a role in breaking him and Minhyuk up) he does enjoy getting to read the positive articles about their group. 

There are a couple of good articles about the whole group in general which puts a smile on his face to read, but then he comes across an article specifically about him. The title mentions his ‘secret past’ and Kihyun knows he shouldn’t click on it. It’s going to be speculation and lies and do nothing good for him, but his curiosity is too strong and so he clicks on it anyway.

What he’s met with is a bunch of theories as to why Kihyun never mentions his past, including a rather outrageous one about how he’s some sort of robot that was only created to be an idol. That one at least earns a snort from Kihyun just for being so utterly ridiculous. He’s about to close off the article since it’s all a bunch of nonsense when he spots a sentence that makes his blood run cold.

‘ _ Or it could simply be that Kihyun is transgender.’ _

His phone clatters to the floor. Six sets of eyes turn to stare at him but Kihyun can’t really register it properly, too focused on what he’s just read. He feels his eyes burn with tears and his throat feels like it could close up any second.

“Kihyun, hey, look at me,” comes a voice. 

Kihyun tries to look but his eyes won’t focus, his tears blurring his vision.

A face appears close to his and he feels a pair of hands grab his own, rubbing small circles into his skin. “Look at me, okay?”

Kihyun blinks the tears out of his eyes to focus on Minhyuk’s face. He can’t speak, not when it barely feels like he can breathe, but he at least manages to make himself look at Minhyuk. The tears continue to stream down his face and drop onto his and Minhyuk’s hands.

Minhyuk gives Kihyun a reassuring smile and then turns his head to look at the other members who are all crowding around Kihyun with looks of concern on their faces. “Can you guys go outside for a bit? I don’t think we should overwhelm him right now.”

“Are you sure?” Hoseok asks. His lips are red from where he must’ve been chewing on them. “Hyungwon’s his best friend, right, why doesn’t he stay?”

Kihyun sees the look of offence cross Minhyuk’s face. “I can handle this just fine.”

“He’s not being rude, Minhyuk,” Hyunwoo says, jumping to Hoseok’s defense, “but you two haven’t had the best track record and he’s just worried, yeah? We should let Kihyun choose who he wants to help.”

All eyes turn back to Kihyun and he shrinks back under everyone’s gaze.

Minhyuk squeezes his hands reassuringly and if Kihyun had any doubts about Minhyuk staying to help him calm down they would’ve been quelled with that simple action, but Kihyun had no doubts. There’s no one who knows better how to calm down a panicking Kihyun than Minhyuk.

“Are you okay with me staying?” Minhyuk asks.

“Please,” Kihyun croaks out and then lets himself collapse forward onto Minhyuk.

The hands in his own let go to wrap around his body and pull him close.

Kihyun grips onto Minhyuk’s shirt tightly as he sobs into his chest. At this point he has no idea if the others are still in the room, but he doesn’t care. Right now he needs Minhyuk to just comfort him and let him cry, even if he’s making an embarrassment out of himself. 

Kihyun doesn’t know how much time passes while he sobs as Minhyuk rubs his back soothingly and whispers sweet nothings to him, but eventually he manages to calm down. He pulls back from Minhyuk’s chest to finally make eye contact with him again. 

“Are you okay now?”

Kihyun nods. “I think so.”

Minhyuk takes hold of Kihyun’s hands again, returning to running his thumbs lightly over Kihyun’s to comfort him. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Kihyun sighs. “I was looking at articles,” he says and rolls his eyes when he sees Minhyuk’s reaction to that. “Don’t make that face at me, I know I shouldn’t. Anyway, I read this dumb one about my secret past or whatever and I didn’t think anything much of it because it just seemed completely ridiculous but, uh—” He swallows as the words from the article come rushing back to him. 

“Don’t cry,” Minhyuk says quietly with a frown on his face. “You don’t have to tell me.”

Kihyun shakes his head. “It just— They were right. They figured out I’m trans.”

A fire burns in Minhyuk’s eyes. “Who wrote this article?” There’s so much anger in his voice that Kihyun automatically curls in on himself. “Oh, fuck, sorry. I’m not mad at you. I’m just pissed at whoever thought this was okay to write about.”

“It doesn’t matter, really. I just overreacted because I hate being in the press especially when they talk about stuff like this. Anyway, thank you for comforting me. I lo—” Kihyun clamps his mouth shut. He almost said it. He almost told Minhyuk he loves him. Not that it’d be the worst thing in the world to tell him, of course, but he just feels weird about saying it while they’re in this strange phase where Kihyun doesn’t really know where he stands with Minhyuk. Sure, they love each other, but that doesn’t mean a relationship is even on Minhyuk’s mind. Maybe he just told Kihyun to get it off his chest.

Minhyuk gives Kihyun a funny look, but doesn’t comment on his almost slip up. “If you’re up to it I’ll go get the others so we can get back to dance practice.”

“Is anyone ever really up for dance practice?” Kihyun jokes. “But yeah, go ahead.”

Before Minhyuk leaves Kihyun to go outside and collect the other members as he said, he presses a barely there kiss to Kihyun’s temple and then winks at him as he leaves.

Kihyun just sits there with his mouth hanging open until the others return and he’s forced to get back to dancing. 

* * *

Kihyun can’t make out what the voices outside his room in the living room are saying, but he can hear yelling and heated tones. He frowns at his door and rubs his eyes in an attempt to wake himself up more. It’s unusual enough for Kihyun to be woken up by anyone else in the dorm by itself as he’s usually one of the first, if not the first, awake, but to be woken up by what sounds like an argument is definitely something completely out of the ordinary.

Kihyun’s almost afraid to go out there and find out what’s going on, so first he sneaks up to his door and presses his ear up against it to try and find out what’s going on, but he still can’t make out any words.

He opens his door just a crack so he can listen in and figure out the situation before he braves going out there.

“You can’t just go around doing stupid shit, Minhyuk. Management are going to have your head,” Kihyun hears Hyungwon say.

Right, so Hyungwon at least is mad at Minhyuk, which is something Kihyun is not used to happening. Even though the two bicker, they rarely actually get angry at each other.

“I had a reason,” Minhyuk states in a bored voice.

“A reason which you refuse to tell us.” So Changkyun’s angry with him too, it seems. Kihyun has to wonder whether anyone’s on Minhyuk’s side or if all five of them are going against whatever it is that Minhyuk’s done.

“It’s not just to do with me. I’m not going to hurt the other person.”

“Minhyuk,” Hyunwoo says and he sounds angry. “You can’t just do stuff like this. You know that.”

“I don’t care.”

“You don’t care that photos of you are plastered all over the news with you in a fucking dress?”

“Nope,” Minhyuk replies, popping the ‘p’.

Understanding dawns over Kihyun when he hears those words. He thinks back to a few days ago and how he’d told Minhyuk about being in the press a lot and how much he hates it. 

But it could be a coincidence. 

Kihyun opens up his door and marches into the living room. Everyone turns to look at him so he crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow. “Anyone care to explain why I got woken up by arguing?”

“Go on, Minhyuk. Tell him,” Jooheon says. He doesn’t sound as angry as the others, but he doesn’t look particularly happy either. 

Minhyuk rolls his eyes and then looks directly at Kihyun. “I saw a stupid article in the press about someone I love and so I decided to wear a dress in public because I knew it would get everyone talking about me instead of them.”

The look in Minhyuk’s eyes, the way he says it to Kihyun, it all makes sense. Minhyuk did this for Kihyun’s sake. He sacrificed his image (not that he really seems to care right now, but Kihyun knows how insecure Minhyuk actually is and how it’s probably just a defense mechanism) for Kihyun’s sake. 

Kihyun stares at Minhyuk until he smiles. He takes the few steps he needs to reach Minhyuk and pull him up from the floor while saying, “I think I need to have a talk with Minhyuk here. If you’ll excuse us.” He pulls Minhyuk by the wrist towards his room and ignores the four confused looks. He nods subtly at Hyungwon as they leave and Hyungwon gives him a reassuring smile. 

When they enter Kihyun’s room he locks the door behind them and pushes Minhyuk until he’s sitting down on Kihyun’s bed. Minhyuk looks confused, rightly so, because Kihyun hasn’t said a word to him. “What’s going on?” Minhyuk asks.

“Did you do it for me?” Kihyun questions. He already knows the answer, but he wants to hear it directly from Minhyuk.

“Yeah, of course I did.”

“Do you love me?” 

Minhyuk frowns, but says, “Of course I do.”

“Good,” Kihyun says and he pushes a finger against Minhyuk’s chest until he’s lying back on Kihyun’s bed, and then Kihyun, climbing onto the bed too so he’s kneeling over Minhyuk, leans down over him so their lips are only centimetres apart and whispers, “Because I really love you too.”

Minhyuk’s eyes widen, but before he’s able to say anything Kihyun finally closes the distance and kisses Minhyuk for the first time in years. It’s just a soft press of their lips, but it’s enough that Kihyun has to pull away to smile at Minhyuk.

“You love me?” Minhyuk says in disbelief.

“Always have, always will,” Kihyun replies. Now that he’s said it once, it feels so much easier to say it again. He feels so much more free and lighter. “I’ll love you forever.”

“God, I hate you. All this time and I thought you hated me.” The love in Minhyuk’s eyes as he looks into Kihyun’s own contradict his words completely. “You suck.”

“You don’t hate me, you love me,” Kihyun says with a grin.

“Yeah, I do. Now come here.” Minhyuk loops his arms around Kihyun’s neck to pull him down into another kiss. 

Kihyun can’t help but smile into the kiss. He’s just so  _ happy _ . After all these years he finally has his soulmate back. 

They have things to work through, things to talk about and it’s not going to be easy, Kihyun knows that, but he finds he doesn’t care. He’s willing to face anything, even management’s anger and the press being invasive, as long as he gets to be with Minhyuk. Any hardships he could face are worth it because he’ll come out the other side happy with his soulmate.

Anything is worth it for Minhyuk. 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos n comments r much appreciated!!!
> 
> twitter: [@changkihyks](http://twitter.com/changkihyks/)  
> cc: [changkihyks](https://curiouscat.me/changkihyks?t=1559413679/)  
> 


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